Claustrophobia

I haven't really wanted to talk about Lockdown, because there are a million voices all talking about it, and far more eloquently than I am about to. But I do think it has finally started to get to me. Next week will be one year since I walked out of work and into Lockdown. Okay,... Continue Reading →

Ink

I've started to realise that a lot of this blog (and a lot of my bucket list) is really a story of my friendships. And what I am about to write here is a mere droplet in the vast lake of my friendship with G. I never thought I would have a friend so good,... Continue Reading →

Rejoicing

Since the start of lockdown, I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. It seems to keep cropping up in various ways in my life (obviously, as a good scientist, I attribute this to the Baader Meinhof effect, rather than a sign from the universe). I could, and probably will one day, spend a blog talking... Continue Reading →

Press ups and procrastination

If there was an Olympic category for procrastination, I would..... think about definitely finding out about maybe entering ... and then miss the deadline. I've been putting off writing an update on my blog for so long, I've forgotten why I don't write anymore. And the longer I put it off, the harder it seems... Continue Reading →

Responsibility

Trigger warning:  Discussion of suicide and thoughts about personal choice in this matter. A little while ago, G and I were discussing death and losing people.  I asked her if she was worried about me killing myself.  She said she worried every day about that. She was upset with me.  Upset that I cannot, much... Continue Reading →

C is for cuckoo

My name is C~ and I am a survivor. I don't mean a suicide survivor, or a depression survivor. I'm talking here about the really big one. I (drum roll) survived a family wedding. DBT talks about looking for the positives in even very difficult situations. By the time I collapsed through my friend K~'s... Continue Reading →

Cloud burst

Have I mentioned I suck at endings? It's like the BPD starter kit: Here, have a bunch of unmanageable emotions and a pathological inability to deal with anything finishing - good luck! Today was the big, everyone-gets-issued-their-final-grades-for-the-course-I-help-run meeting at college. And it went fairly well. Not awesome, but it was fine. When it came to... Continue Reading →

Free fall

Today feels quite painful. It's not a very catchy first sentence is it? Today isn't hideous or unbearable or torturous. I don't want to die. But it's painful. And that is okay. Part of the normal human experience. A sure sign that I am still alive. I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of emotions, perceiving the... Continue Reading →

The Lodge III

I've been pondering on my frequency of blog writing. I realise that if I am not writing, that means things are either pretty good, or really bad. What do we conclude from the fact that I am writing quite often at the moment? That things are quite bad, but not awful. So, yeah, this last... Continue Reading →

Door handle revelations

Does anyone remember Columbo? Not the guy who discovered America, I mean the TV detective. Somewhere near the end of the show, he would be just about to leave a room and then he would turn around and say "...… just one more thing" and boom, he'd deliver his coup de grace. Well, there is... Continue Reading →

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