Ghosted

When I was in school we read Lord of the Flies. It was some considerable time ago, so please forgive me if I am sketchy on the details. It is a book about a group of school boys who are shipwrecked on an island with no adults to supervise them. At some point an airman... Continue Reading →

Claustrophobia

I haven't really wanted to talk about Lockdown, because there are a million voices all talking about it, and far more eloquently than I am about to. But I do think it has finally started to get to me. Next week will be one year since I walked out of work and into Lockdown. Okay,... Continue Reading →

Rejoicing

Since the start of lockdown, I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. It seems to keep cropping up in various ways in my life (obviously, as a good scientist, I attribute this to the Baader Meinhof effect, rather than a sign from the universe). I could, and probably will one day, spend a blog talking... Continue Reading →

Press ups and procrastination

If there was an Olympic category for procrastination, I would..... think about definitely finding out about maybe entering ... and then miss the deadline. I've been putting off writing an update on my blog for so long, I've forgotten why I don't write anymore. And the longer I put it off, the harder it seems... Continue Reading →

Cloud burst

Have I mentioned I suck at endings? It's like the BPD starter kit: Here, have a bunch of unmanageable emotions and a pathological inability to deal with anything finishing - good luck! Today was the big, everyone-gets-issued-their-final-grades-for-the-course-I-help-run meeting at college. And it went fairly well. Not awesome, but it was fine. When it came to... Continue Reading →

Free fall

Today feels quite painful. It's not a very catchy first sentence is it? Today isn't hideous or unbearable or torturous. I don't want to die. But it's painful. And that is okay. Part of the normal human experience. A sure sign that I am still alive. I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of emotions, perceiving the... Continue Reading →

The Lodge III

I've been pondering on my frequency of blog writing. I realise that if I am not writing, that means things are either pretty good, or really bad. What do we conclude from the fact that I am writing quite often at the moment? That things are quite bad, but not awful. So, yeah, this last... Continue Reading →

Oscillation

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve published anything (I’ve written things, but they were, to me, deeply unsatisfactory.  Can something be deeply unsatisfactory?  That’s like being extremely mediocre, or vastly tepid).  Anyway, let’s just sum up the last two months of my life as periods of general general-ness, underpinned by a slow... Continue Reading →

Dead Man’s Curve

Trigger warning:  Some discussion of suicidal feelings and planning, one brief reference to methods.  Fortunately, I’m not too worried about labels, so I wasn’t upset this week when my psychologist told me that I was psychotic and retarded. I’m half joking. She was most concerned that I understood and was not upset by the words.... Continue Reading →

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