Free fall

Today feels quite painful. It's not a very catchy first sentence is it? Today isn't hideous or unbearable or torturous. I don't want to die. But it's painful. And that is okay. Part of the normal human experience. A sure sign that I am still alive. I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of emotions, perceiving the...

The hero’s journey and self-aware doormats

A couple of weeks ago my friend D~, looking genuinely upset, said that he ‘wanted the old Caroline back’.  That one has really stuck with me.  It hurt, almost a physical sensation of being stabbed in the chest, not because I think he shouldn’t have said it, but because I agree with him. The problem...

Not a cry for help, or: Oh God, on Thursday I turned into Neil out of the Young Ones

Trigger warning:  The opinions expressed in this post are from the point of view of someone who is suicidal and therefore may not be rational.  If you think you may be triggered by this, please don’t read on.  It’s mostly inane drivel anyway.  Go and do something else instead.  Seriously.  Anything.  Cut your toenails or...

Rapid cycling (without a bike) and how to get kicked out of DBT

So, I didn’t write a blog post last week.  It was a bit of a tough week, one way and another, so I just …. didn’t. Anyway, I'm back to full ranting power this week, so… Over the last few days, I have been experiencing rapid mood cycling.  It is an utterly ridiculous and exhausting...

Schrödinger’s car

The theme of DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) this week is radical acceptance.  I have to think of examples of things that have happened/are happening that I find difficult and carry out exercises to achieve acceptance.  In part, this involves using particular postures and facial expressions, so it has the added bonus of making me look...

Pros and cons – a letter to my future self

Trigger warning: Contains discussion about advantages and disadvantages of suicide Mum “So, what was your homework from DBT this week?” Me (cheerfully) “To write a list of pros and cons of killing myself.” Mum “Oh” So, I guess that probably isn’t a common mother/daughter Wednesday night phone call.  But seriously, what does she think we...